Addictions

It was extremely close -never to experience the magic... of love such as this.  Sure we had chemistry, we could finish each other's sentences, know what one another was thinking. We shared lots of laughs...

All those years, so many laughs, but there was always this wall from allowing me to experience that smile, that chemistry, complete irresistibility.

When the day came where we worked different shifts at the same job, it was a stress off my shoulders in more ways than one. I would no longer be worried that his need to experience his addition before work, would keep me from clocking in on time. Still, I struggled with what I thought was recreational, not realising its full dominance in his life until I moved in... I'd go to bed and he'd be involved with his adventure. I'd wake up 8 hours later, and he'd still be a slave to it.

My struggles are also held in place by a barricade, his friend for slightly longer than we've known each other. He could have spent hours in his haze, but now his friend wants to be involved -how dare I demand any time with my "he" without "it" and without his friend feeding the desire to participate in it more?

Not long ago, I learned some months ago, as well as over a year my "he" desire to be with me wasn't because he clean, but because "it" lost it's appeal...but It always win!

That stung, so I began to pull away. I even was firm with how depressed, how much it was tearing me up, killing my sex drive -but the very next opportunity he was fondling, admiring, and doting over it.   

Natalie Imbruglia's lyrics crept in: illusion will never change into something real

Sigh. He's been him all these years except for a handful of months where he was doting over me when I took interest in dating another...

It's been I who have been holding this together! I have been pulling away for weeks now and he's done what he's always done!

I don't want to fall back onto the rollercoaster with useless brakes so I must work hard at reminding myself that he is what he is, and he'll never have both feet in the door in a permanent basis.

His addition is PC online gaming. What addiction have you attempted to cope with? What addiction have you tried to find a middle ground with? You feel just as foolish as me, don't you? But he's no role model, so why don't you join me in putting together a secret plan? Make a goal to reach -to finally get off the rollercoaster with busted brakes. Truly, how many more years do you want spend on that ride? Was all those years worth those few months of bliss? Want to trade in another half decade just to get a couple of months what felt like winning the lottery of love?

I'm done dreaming.